If you want to conquer fear, don't sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy. - Dale Carnegie

Meddling - 5 Questions To Ask Yourself Before Offering Helpful Advice

Meddling - 5 Questions To Ask Yourself Before Offering Helpful Advice
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Again, I found myself meddling in the affairs of others. All too often my intention to be supportive and generous runs amok. In the aftermath, I tell myself that I will never do that again, but I do. Actually, I wouldn't want it any other way. The line between "helpful" and meddling is so easy to cross. The only way that I could ensure that I never meddled would be to completely disavow being helpful.

Byron Katie speaks of "my business, your business, and God's business." Everything that happens in the world, or doesn't happen, is NOT my responsibility. There are more than enough things that are my responsibility. I am responsible for my thoughts, my beliefs, and my actions - and that is enough. It does not serve me to mind anyone else's business. I can only make myself unhappy by trying to second guess what anyone else thinks or does.

That's all easy enough to say in the abstract, but when the other person is our friend, spouse, parent, adult son or daughter, or co-worker, it doesn't come at all naturally to remain detached. For many of us, staying in our own business requires a lifetime of self-reminders.

Often we meddle out of a sincere desire to help another, so how can we know when we have gone too far? We have overstepped our bounds whenever we cross the line from assisting others in getting what they want to believing that we know better than they what they SHOULD want.

Through painful experience, I have found five questions to ask myself to help determine whether I am providing assistance or meddling.

1. Did the other person ask for help, advice, or opinion? If the answer is No, then I am meddling. The first and greatest rule is,

Unsolicited Advice Is Always Meddling

2. Even if the person has broadcast a request for help or advice, did they ask for MY advice? When someone is drowning, they will accept a life-ring thrown by a stranger, but advice is only appreciated if the asker fully trusts and respects the advisor.

3. Do I fully respect the other person? While I can responsibly make decisions for a child or a senile person, it is pure meddling for me to believe that I know better than another competent adult how they should live their life. As an example, trying to find friends for someone who has clearly expressed a preference for solitude is meddling.

4. Is the issue a question of belief? Proselytizing is always meddling. My beliefs about religion, politics, the best natural supplements, or whatever, are just my personal beliefs, nothing more. If someone ASKS, I am happy to share about what gives my own life joy and meaning, but whenever I attempt to convert someone else's beliefs, I must be very clear that I am doing it for my own gains, and not as a service to the other.

5. Have I previously attempted to assist this person with this same issue in the past? If I have been asked again, and if I find a different way to be helpful, it's not meddling, but if I continually offer the same advice for the same problem, it crosses the line into meddling.

Compassion and generosity may well be the greatest human virtues, but it is also important to avoid letting these noble instincts cause inadvertent harm to those we want to help.

Who Leads the Happier life, the Cynic or the Believer? A Look at Both Perspectives

Who Leads the Happier life, the Cynic or the Believer? A Look at Both Perspectives
- jonathan lockwood huie

First, let's define both "Cynic" and "Believer," as both words are more likely to provoke emotional reaction than thoughtful analysis.

When I use the term Cynic, I simply mean someone who holds the opinion that people are motivated wholly by self-interest. Do not confuse the factual definition of Cynic with the ill-spirited description, "a sneering and sarcastic faultfinding critic."

By Believer, I mean someone who has religious faith, and more particularly someone who believes that the nature of God is to watch over their well-being, and that "good" will triumph over "evil" in the end.

The Believer begins the race with a big head start toward happiness. The world is good - someone kindly and supremely powerful is looking out for their best interests. Surely there is no cause for worry or fear. It is easy to be an optimist when one can depend upon a great and benevolent celestial parent.

The Cynic knows that all creatures - human and other animals - are driven solely by their own desires to maximize pleasure and minimize pain. Compassionate and other cooperative behaviors create their own reward. Cooperation increases the probability for survival and reproduction, so that instinct has been strengthened through evolution. Most people upon seeing an injured person by the roadside would experience pleasure in aiding that person, but experience pain in leaving that person to die. It's not noble, it's an evolved instinct - a very useful instinct that helps ensure the continuation of the human race.

Now consider what happens when life fails to meet our expectations.

The Believer is shocked. How could God let this terrible thing happen. Bad things aren't supposed to happen to good people. Disappointment and confusion reign. Did I do something to displease God? Is God perhaps not totally kind and benevolent? Is God not omnipotent? Perhaps this is just my trial by fire - the test of my faith. Surely I will find my reward in the next life.

If the Believer can regain their faith in the benevolence and omnipotence of their Celestial Father, happiness is certainly possible. Given an unwavering faith, one can withstand any circumstance with serenity. However, for those who begin to ask, "Why me, God?" great emotional suffering lies ahead.

The Cynic already knows that unexpected events occur often. People die or become crippled more often than they win the lottery. Life just happens. For the Cynic, the path to happiness lies in making a conscious choice for happiness, even in the face of whatever circumstances life throws in their path.

So who is happier?

Perhaps happiest is the Believer who can hold unswerving faith in the face of all the obvious realities in this world that contradict that faith. A childlike trust in the power of ultimate goodness can create miracles of happiness.

However, happiness is easiest for the Cynic, because there are no contradictions in his or her world. The Cynic understands that if there is to be happiness, it must be self-generated, and the Cynic accepts that responsibility willingly.

The brunt of the world's emotional suffering is born by those who label themselves Believers, but whose faith cannot survive the test of reality, and who succumb to the cry, "It's just not fair. Why me God, why me?"

The "Spousal We" and 6 Other Ways to Leave Your Lover

The "Spousal We" and 6 Other Ways to Leave Your Lover
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

You really want to end your relationship, but you don't have the courage to say so directly. What to do? Here is a tongue-in-cheek list of ways to force your partner to make the break first.

1. Use the "Spousal We": "We need to remember to take out the garbage." "Didn't we make a fool of ourself at the party last night." Deft use of the "spousal we" can be like the final twist on a death jab. The other items on this list are like sharp knives, but the "spousal we" really finishes the job with a flourish.

2. Use guilt: Be clear that "guilt" is a verb. It is a weapon that can be used very effectively on your partner. Make sure that they always know how "wrong" they are, and how "unfair" their every action is. Their very existence is wrong and unfair.

3. Use sarcasm: Sarcasm works so well it's almost unfair - sort of like a cluster bomb. "Well, I see we are still watching TV." Triple whammy - guilt, sarcasm, and the spousal we. Great work.

4. Make an endless "honey do" list: It is important to emphasize how "fair" you are being. List everything you contribute to the relationship - pad the list as much as you can. Then just ask your other to do "one little thing." Make sure that it's not a one time task that can be accomplished and forgotten. No - the "one little thing" must be something that needs to be done frequently, so you can nag just as frequently. "We need to remember to..." should become your favorite phrase. Next week - or tomorrow - add another "one little thing" to the list. Never ever let anything be finished and taken off the list.

5. Act jealous: When you take on acting jealous, it is important to become very angry. This isn't teasing or flirting, this is irrational anger. Make sure that you express your anger randomly. Just pick some very ordinary person in some very ordinary situation as the catalyst, and then let your rage fly at your other. Say you just came out of a restaurant, and you are driving home. "Weren't we just something in there. I saw how you looked at that waitress/waiter. You practically had them undressed with your eyes. I was SO embarrassed. You should be SO ashamed. ..." You get the idea. REALLY lay it out. Your partner is just despicable. Make sure they get the message.

6. Have concealed expectations: If this sounds like concealed weapons, you got the idea, because expectations are powerful weapons in the relationship battle. It's important never to let your other know how they "should" behave until after the fact. Then you can say "we should have known that I only like pink roses." "How could we not come home early on a day I'm feeling depressed?" "It's my birthday, and we get me socks?"

7. Go shopping: This one is a double barreled shotgun. You get to aggravate your partner into leaving, and you get some stuff to take with you. You could just run up the credit card yourself, but you can punish your partner even better by "guilting" them into doing the buying - and than you can criticize them for spending too much - without offering to take back what they bought you, of course.

Congratulations. You will be living alone in no time.

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Now that you know how to lead an unhappy life, read How To Be Happy - 7 Secrets for a Happy Life.

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The meaning of life

You wanna know the meaning of life? Fugedaboudit - It ain’t happnin.

Raccoon

Today's affirmation--
I am like a raccoon - I am rabid, mean-spirited, and my ultimate purpose in life is to get wrapped around your head and make it hot.